Saturday, May 5, 2018

Updates

Hello blog.  It has been a while (2016, to be exact).

I often forget about this small little platform where I used to share all of my interests in makeup and beauty.  More recently I wrote a small post discussing how I cope with my anxiety.

To be honest, I look back at some of the things I have wrote and sort of laugh at how different my writing was then.  I like to think I have improved since 16-year-old me was on the keyboard, but I'm sure that another year down the line I'm going to look back at this exact post and do the same thing I'm doing now: laugh.

But I'm not going to entirely dedicate this post to how bad some of my past writing was.  I really just need an outlet to express some emotions I've been dealing with and haven't really shared with anyone else.  Not even my friends.

Lately I just haven't been feeling like myself.  I'm more sad than I was 2 years ago and some of that may be because I'm more stressed out than I was.  My anxiety has definitely gotten a lot better during this time, which is amazing.  I no longer go to sleep at night worrying about if I'm ever going to be able to fall asleep.  I don't have anymore routines that I have I have to follow down to the minute so I'm potentially able to fall asleep.  I can stay up past 7 p.m. doing homework and not have a complete panic attack and it's so amazing.

But even though this anxiety has gone away, I'm still not feeling normal.  I feel like I'm sad all the time.  I don't feel like going out with my friends as much anymore and would rather just sit at home and watch movies.  Whenever I do this though, I don't feel any better.  I always think that after cancelling plans I'm not that up for I would feel better but I don't.  I'm working on it though.  I was able to get past some of the worst anxiety I've ever had and I'm sure I'll be able to do this with depression too.

Before I continue on, I just want to clarify that I'm not writing this post for pity or because I'm an angsty teenager who is just emotional.  I'm writing this because I don't really have anywhere else I can say it.  I tell my doctor but outside of her I don't tell anyone, not even my friends.  I don't know why I don't open up to them about it because I feel like I would be so much happier if I gave them an explanation for bailing on plans and deciding to go home early for some BS reason.

I think that one day I will open up and tell them, but for now I'm just scared of what they will think and if they will take what I'm saying seriously.

Lately I've also been stressed out about what I want to do with my life.  For the longest time I've been interested in acting, theater, movies, etc. but I always tended to bury those interests because I just felt like they were for people more talented than myself.  So, I moved on from those dreams and settled in journalism.  I've been doing journalism for around 2 years now and it's a lot of fun and interests me a great deal, but I don't think that it's the career for me.

I'm 18 and I'm heading off to college.  Not to mention I'm going to college in a big city: Chicago.  This is something that sounds incredibly exciting and is something that a teenager should look forward to, but at this point I'm not.  I feel like I'm making the wrong decision.  I'm planning on majoring in communications and I'm already excepted into the communications school, but I don't think that that's what I want to do.  I think I want to act and do something in the theater department.

I know I have lots of time to do this and changing a major is no big deal, but right now all I can think about is how I've messed up my life and how I'll never be able to pursue this dream.

So many people want to be actors or actresses and there's just not enough room for everyone it seems like.  If any of you out there reading this are pursuing a career in acting, is it worth it?  It's a dream that I've always had, but I don't think that it's something that my family will ever support.  I'm not sure how I should tell my dad that I want to become an actor whenever he already thinks that a job in the communications field is a risky one.

If any of you have any advice on what to do, please let me know.

I'm sorry this post has been one long ramble.  I just had a lot of things on my mind and needed to share them with someone.

- Ava

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